live simply in a state of complex disrepair

all the therapists i saw at the rehabs wouldnt call me an alcoholic. my doctor never recommended rehab. i wasnt an alcoholic. i was an abuser, a problem drinker. i was also having interactions whenever i drank with my meds for anxiety. but i thought it would be good to go there and i dont know. take a break. i had no problem quitting drinking. i havent thought about it since over a year ago. i never had cravings or anything. i can take any meds i want its just i dont drink anymore. so thats something about me.

so yeah, im not really an alcoholic. i decided to do rehab because i figured it would be a good way to learn. im a hands-on learner. i have always taken complexities and just, been able to use my perspective to see simplicity. that time in my life was complex. but it allowed me to write a little dissertation in my head and my new thesis is quite simple. now i get to chill until i decide to bring on the fury again. i know from experience that i will never be whole living simply. my friends in college called me the cyclone. i will always have that cyclone facet chillin inside and when i feel like ive mastered learning from the previous "learning experience" i will start tearin'up shee until i find something new to focus on. the goal of all this, of course, is to later on in life use these experiences to relate to others and to help them recover from their problematic situations. Most people don't purposely throw themselves into rehab, but like I said. I had some of the symptoms, and it seemed right at the time. I don't care about the stigma I might and do receive for having been to rehab. That's something i dealt with long ago.

i should also add that i had the desire to go to rehab only so i would be able to say, "when i was in rehab, ..." it was a bad reason, but was my reason. lol.

To say i want drama is incorrect. i simply utilize complex situations to develop a simple way of living. an example of this would be the relationships i have had/want in the future. i want a relationship based on respect and passion and spontenaity and No drAMA. thats why i think that EVERY ONE of my long term boyfriends (5 year, 2 year, 1year, 2year) except two (6mo, 1yr) have been chronic weed smokers. i had drama with the one year kid! the other one was so mute and feelingless that he was socially retarded lol lol. so yeah. i have figured out , retrospectively, that i loathe drama, disagreements, not getting along, not communicating, differing expectations, loss of my time to do my own thing, which is reading, which i will go nuts if i cant recede into myself like that, any source of cognitive dissonacne, etc. that may be kind of a bad thing , sort of cause i am sort of an outlier but i was raised in a family where i can count the number of disagreements me and my brother adn me and my sister have had on one hand. and they were over me and bro having to share a car, my addiction, and i think thats it. and with sis, my addiction. her having to realize that i make mistakes too, and she shouldnt always look to me as her role model. and me and mom are very close, we had better be cause we live in a studio togther.

so thats a bit about me. there are lots more crazy things about me. maybe thats also why i want no drama in my life with a lover. cause i have too much in my life as it is. i think that is it. the rehab time is one of the times i choose the complexity. usually im up to my head in complexities as it is.

i think a lover is an enhancement to life. i already love me so much, i think i am the best, and i make myself laugh all day. to find someone to share me with would be very rearly

but i repeat, i like me the best. i would do me in a second. hmm. sometimes i get on bad behavior. haha.

would i let myself do me? im gonna have to think about that one.